How to talk to anyone: 2008

23.12.08

How to Talk to a Celebrity

Suppose you’ve just settled in for dinner at a nice restaurant. You look over at the next table, and who do you see? Is it really he? Could it possibly be? It’s gotta be a look-alike. No, it isn’t! It really is . . . Woody Allen. (Substitute any celebrity here: your favorite movie star, politician, broadcaster, boss who owns the company that owns the company you work for.) And there the celestial body is in the flesh, sitting not ten feet from you. What should you do?

Nothing! Big shots don’t slobber over stars. Let the luminary enjoy a brief moment of anonymity. If he or she should cast a glance in your direction, give a smile and a nod. Then waft your gaze back to your dining companion. You will be a lot cooler in the eyes of your dinner partner if you take it all in your stride.

Now, if you just can’t resist this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to press the flesh of the megastar and tell him or her of your admiration, here’s how to do it with grace. Wait until you or the luminary are leaving the restaurant. After the check has been paid and you will obviously not be taking much of his or her time, you may make your approach. Say something like, “Mr. Allen, I just want to tell you how much pleasure your wonderful films have given me over the years. Thank you so much.”

Did you pick up the subtlety here? You are not complimenting his work. “After all,” he might well ask himself, “who are you to judge whether I am a great filmmaker or not?” You can only speak from your own perspective. You do this by telling him how much pleasure his work has given you.

If it’s your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss whom the fates have sent to bask in your adulation, do the same. Do not say “Bill” or “Mr. Gates, you really run a great company.”

“Lowly geek,” he thinks, “who are you to judge?” Instead, tell him what an honor it is to work for him. Obviously this is not the moment to detail the intricacies of your improvements on image-editing software for digitizing photographs.

Then let your body language express that if Woody or Bill or the other megastar wants to leave it at that, you are happy with the exchange. If, however, the megastar is captivated by you (or has had so much liquid merriment that he or she has decided to mingle with the masses tonight), then all bets are off. You’re on your own. Enjoy! Until you pick up the first body-language sign that they would like to end it. Think of yourself as a ballroom dance student waltzing with your teacher. He leads, you follow. And he tells you when the waltz is over.

Incidentally, if the megastar is with a companion and your conversation goes on for more than a few moments, direct some comments at the companion. If the satellite is in such stellar company, he or she is probably also an accomplished person.

Felicia, a friend of mine, is a talented trial lawyer who is married to a local TV-show host.Because Tom is on television, people recognize him wherever they go, and Felicia gets ignored. Felicia tells me how frustrating it is, even for Tom. Whenever they go to a party, people gush all over Tom, and Felicia’s fascinating work hardly ever gets mentioned. She and Tom used to love going out to dinner, but now they hide out at home in the evenings.

Why? Because they can’t stand the interruptions of overly effervescent fans.

18.12.08

How to Respond When You Don’t Want to Answer (and Wish They’d Shut the Heck Up) (technique No 35)

One of my clients Barbara, a ministar in the furniture business, recently separated from her husband and business partner, Frank, a megastar in the furniture business. They suffered a long and messy divorce that resulted in them keeping the business jointly but not having to deal with each other.

Soon after the divorce, I was at an industry convention with Barbara. Since she and Frank were both beloved in the industry, people were curious about what had happened and how it affected their company. But, of course, no one dared ask outright. And Barbara was offering no explanations.

I was seated next to Barbara at the gala farewell dinner. Apparently one of her colleagues at the table couldn’t contain her curiosity any longer. During dessert, she leaned over to Barbara and in a hushed voice asked, “Barbara, what happened with you and Frank?”

Barbara, unruffled by the rude question, simply took a spoonful of her cherries jubilee and said, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”

Not satisfied with that answer, the woman pumped harder. “Are you still working together?”

Barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in precisely the same tone of voice, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”

The frustrated interrogator was not going to give up easily. “Are you both still working in the company?”

Barbara, appearing not the least disturbed by the woman’s incontinent insistence, scooped the last cherry out of her dish, smiled, looked directly at her, and said in the identical tone of voice, “We’ve separated, but the company is unaffected.”

That shut her up. Barbara had shown her big winner’s badge by using “The Broken Record” technique, the most effective way to curtail an unwelcome cross-examination.

Technique #35

The Broken Record

Whenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject, simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words in precisely the same tone of voice. Hearing it again usually quiets them down. If your rude interrogator hangs on like a leech, your next repetition never fails to flick them off.

17.12.08

How to talk - part 2

How to talk - part 1

How to Give Them the Bad News (and Have Them Like You All the More) (technique No 34)

In ancient Egypt, the pharaoh treated the humblest message runner like a prince when he arrived at the palace, if he brought good news. However, if the exhausted runner had the misfortune to bring the pharaoh unhappy news, his head was chopped off.

Shades of that spirit pervade today’s conversations. Once a friend and I packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for an outing. As we waltzed happily out the door, picnic basket in hand, a smiling neighbor, rocking away on his porch, looked up at the sky and said, “Oh boy, bad day for a picnic. The newscast says it’s going to rain.” I wanted to rub his face in my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not for his gloomy weather report, for his smile.

Several months ago I was racing to catch a bus. As I breathlessly shoved my handful of cash across the Greyhound counter, the grinning sales agent gushed, “Oh that bus left five minutes ago.” Dreams of decapitation!

It’s not the news that makes someone angry. It’s the unsympathetic attitude with which it’s delivered. Everyone must give bad news from time to time, and winning professionals do it with the proper attitude. A doctor advising a patient she needs an operation does it with compassion. A boss informing an employee he didn’t get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Grief counselors at airports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken sentiment of relatives. Big winners know, when delivering any bad news, they should share the sentiment of the receiver.

Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this sensitivity. When you’re weary from a long flight, has a hotel clerk cheerfully chirped that your room isn’t ready yet? When you had your heart set on the roast beef, has your waiter merrily warbled that he just served the last piece? When you needed cash for the weekend, has your bank teller gleefully told you your account is overdrawn? It makes you as traveler, diner, or depositor want to put your fist right through their insensitive grins.

Technique #34

It’s the Receiver’s Ball

A football player wouldn’t last two beats of the time clock if he made blind passes. A pro throws the ball with the receiver always in mind.

Before throwing out any news, keep your receiver in mind. Then deliver it with a smile, a sigh, or a sob. Not according to how you feel about the news, but how the receiver will take it.

Had my neighbor told me of the impending rainstorm with sympathy, I would have appreciated his warning. Had the Greyhound salesclerk sympathetically informed me that my bus had already left, I probably would have said, “Oh, that’s all right.

I’ll catch the next one.” Big winners, when they bear bad news, deliver bombs with the emotion the bombarded person is sure to have.

Big winners know how to give bad news to people. They also know how not to give any news to anyone, even when people are pressuring them. Let’s explore that next.

16.12.08

How to Avoid the World’s Worst Conversational Habit (technique No 33)

Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president of an advertising agency, Louis, and his wife, Lillian. The evening started with cocktails, followed by a gourmet meal accompanied by a selection of excellent wines. The conversation had been convivial, the cuisine delicious, and the wine very fine. And very plentiful. At the end of the evening, Louis raised his glass to make a
toast. A few wine droplets sloshed out of his glass onto the tablecloth.

A pretty young woman who was the date of a new art director named Bob giggled and said, “I can tell you’re feeling no pain.”

Shock waves went around the table. Everyone froze. The host was indeed a bit inebriated. However, alluding to Louis being a little looped, even in jest, was as though the woman had suddenly smashed the crystal chandelier above the table with her dinner plate.

One guest quickly covered the girl’s horrifying gaffe by lifting her glass and saying “None of us is. No one in the company of Louis and Lillian could ever feel any pain. Here’s to a truly wonderful evening.”

Louis then continued with his toast to the wonderful company, and no one was feeling pain any longer. Except Bob. He knew his date’s innocent teasing was a black mark, if not in his personnel file, on his personal file.

The next sure sign of a little cathood is teasing. Little cats go around patting their friends’ paunches and saying, “Enjoying that cheesecake, huh?” Or looking at their balding heads and saying, “Hey, hair today, gone tomorrow, huh?” They think it’s hilarious to make a quip at someone else’s expense and say “You don’t have an inferiority complex. You are inferior! Hardy har har.”

Technique #33

Trash the Teasing

A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws.

Never, ever, make a joke at anyone else’s expense. You’ll wind up paying for it, dearly.

15.12.08

How to Banter Like the Big Shots Do (Big Winners Tell It Like It Is) (technique No 32)

If you stepped into an elevator full of people speaking Hungarian, you might not recognize they were Hungarian unless you spoke their language. However, the minute you opened your mouth, they’d recognize you’re not Hungarian.

It’s the same with the big cats. If you overhear several of them speaking, you might not recognize they’re big cats. However, the minute you opened your mouth they’d recognize you’re not a big cat, unless you spoke their lingo.

What are some differences between a big cat’s growl and a little cat’s insignificant hiss? One of the most blatant is euphemisms. Big cats aren’t afraid of real words. They call a spade a spade. Words like toilet paper don’t scare them. Little cats hide behind bathroom tissue. If somebody is rich, big cats call it “rich.” Little cats, oh so embarrassed at the concept of talking about money in polite company, substitute the word wealthy. When little cats use a substitute word or euphemism, they might as well be saying, “Whoops, you are better than I am. I’m in polite company now and so I’ll use the nicey-nice word.”

Big cats are anatomically correct—no cutesy words for body parts. They’ll say “breasts” when they mean breasts. When they say “knockers,” they mean decorative structures that hang on the front door. And “family jewels” are in the safe on the wall.

If a big cat is ever in doubt about a word, he or she simply resorts to French. If they feel the word buttocks is debatable, derriere will do quite nicely, thank you.

Technique #32

Call a Spade a Spade

Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’t mean big cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five- and six-letter ones exist. They’ve simply learned the King’s English, and they speak it.

Here’s another way to tell the big players from the little ones just by listening to a few minutes of their conversation.

A Word of Warning (technique No 31)

No matter how good your material is, it bombs if it doesn’t fit the situation. I learned this the hard way during my cruise ship days. On a cruise to England I decided to give my passengers a reading of the English love poems of Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning. You know, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” It was a BIG hit. The passengers loved it and raved for days. I couldn’t walk out on deck without some passenger turning to me and affectionately echoing, “How do I love thee?”

Technique #31

Use Jawsmith’s Jive

Whether you’re standing behind a podium facing thousands or behind the barbecue grill facing yourfamily, you’ll move, amuse, and motivate with the same skills.

Read speakers’ books to cull quotations, pull pearls of wisdom, and get gems to tickle their funny bones. Find a few bon mots to let casually slide off your tongue on chosen occasions. If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable.

Make ’em rhyme, make ’em clever, or make ’emfunny. Above all, make ’em relevant.

Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance and fancied myself an eminent poetry reader. I decided to reward the passengers on the next cruise (which was a cruise to the Caribbean and didn’t go anywhere in the neighborhood of England) with my spectacular reading of the English love poems. WHAT A BOMB! Passengers avoided me on the deck for the rest of the cruise. “How did you bore me? Let me count the ways.”

14.12.08

Make ’Em Laugh, Make ’Em Laugh, Make ’Em Laugh

Humor enriches any conversation. But not jokes starting with, “Hey didja hear the one about . . . ?” Plan your humor and make it relevant. For example, if you’re going to a meeting on the budget, look up money in a quotation book. In an uptight business situation, a little levity shows you’re at ease.

Once, during an oppressive financial meeting, I heard a top executive say, “Don’t worry, this company has enough money to stay in business for years—unless we pay our creditors.” He broke the tension and won the appreciation of all. Later I saw a similar quote in a humor book attributed to Jackie Mason, the comedian. So what? The exec still came across as a cool communicator with his clever comment.

Big players who want to be quoted in the media lie awake at night gnawing the pillow trying to come up with phrases the press will pick up. A Michigan veterinarian named Timothy, a heavy hitter in his own field but completely unknown outside it, made national headlines when he planned to attach a pair of feet to a rooster who lost his to frostbite. Why? Because he called it a “drumstick transplant.”

I don’t know if a French woman, Jeanne Calment, then officially the world’s oldest person, was looking for publicity on her 122nd birthday. But she made international headlines when she told the media, “I’ve only ever had one wrinkle, and I’m sitting on it.”

Mark Victor Hansen, a big player in his own field but once relatively unknown outside of it, was propelled into national prominence when he came up with a catchy name for his book coauthored with Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul. He told me his original title was 101 Pretty Stories. How far would that have gone? Soon the world was lapping up, among others, his Chicken

Soup for the Woman’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, plus second, third, and fourth servings of chicken soup in hardcover, paperback, audiocassette, videocassette, and calendars.

A Gem for Every Occasion

If stirring words help make your point, ponder the impact of powerful phrases. They’ve helped politicians get elected (“Read my lips: no new taxes.”) and defendants get acquitted (“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”).

If George H. W. Bush had said, “I promise not to raise taxes,” or Johnny Cochran, during O. J. Simpson’s criminal trial, had said, “If the glove doesn’t fit, he must be innocent,” their bulky sentences would have slipped in and out of the voter’s or juror’s consciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neat phrases make powerful weapons. (If you’re not careful, your enemies will later use them against you—read my lips!)

One of my favorite speakers is a radio broadcaster named Barry Farber who brightens up late-night radio with sparkling similes. Barry would never use a cliche like “nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof.” He’d describe being nervous about losing his job as “I felt like an elephant dangling over a cliff with his tail tied to a daisy.” Instead of saying he looked at a pretty woman, he’d say, “My eyeballs popped out and dangled by the optic nerve.”

When I first met him, I asked, “Mr. Farber, how do you come up with these phrases?”

“My daddy’s Mr. Farber. I’m Barry,” he chided (his way of saying, “Call me Barry”). He then candidly admitted, although some of his phrases are original, many are borrowed. (Elvis Presley used to say, “My daddy’s Mr. Presley. Call me Elvis.”) Like all professional speakers, Barry spends several hours a week gleaning through books of quotations and humor. All professional speakers do. They collect bon mots they can use in a variety of situations— most especially to scrape egg off their faces when something unexpected happens.

Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s face-saver lines from her book, What to Say When You’re Dying on the Platform.16 If you tell a joke and no one laughs, try “That joke was designed to get a silent laugh—and it worked.” If the microphone lets out an agonizing howl, look at it and say, “I don’t understand. I brushed my teeth this morning.” If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, “Could you save that question until I’m finished—and well on my way home?” All pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines. You can do the same.

Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations. Instead of “happy as a lark” try “happy as a lottery winner” or “happy as a baby with its first ice cream cone.” Instead of “bald as an eagle,” try “bald as a new marine” or “bald as a bullfrog’s belly.” Instead of “quiet as a mouse,” try “quiet as an eel swimming in oil” or “quiet as a fly lighting on a feather duster.”

Find phrases that have visual impact. Instead of a cliche like “sure as death and taxes,” try “as certain as beach traffic in July” or “as sure as your shadow will follow you.” Your listeners can’t see death or taxes. But they sure can see beach traffic in July or their shadow following them down the street.

Try to make your similes relate to the situation. If you’re riding in a taxi with someone, “as sure as that taxi meter will rise” has immediate impact. If you’re talking with a man walking his dog, “as sure as your dog is thinking about that tree” adds a touch of humor.

How to Use Motivational Speakers’ Techniques to Enhance Your Conversation

They say the pen is mightier than the sword. It is, but the tongue is even mightier than the pen. Our tongues can bring crowds to laughter, to tears, and often to their feet in shouting appreciation. Orators have moved nations to war or brought lost souls to God. And what is their equipment? The same eyes, ears, hands, legs, arms, and vocal chords you and I have.

Perhaps a professional athlete has a stronger body or a professional singer is blessed with a more beautiful singing voice than the one we were doled out. But the professional speaker starts out with the same equipment we all have. The difference is, these jaw-smiths use it all. They use their hands, they use their bodies, and they use specific gestures with heavy impact. They think about the space they’re talking in. They employ many different tones of voice, they invoke various expressions, they vary the speed with which they speak . . . and they make effective use of silence.

You may not have to make a formal speech anytime soon, but chances are sometime (probably very soon) you’re going to want people to see things your way. Whether it’s persuading your family to spend their next vacation at Grandma’s, or convincing the stockholders in your multimillion-dollar corporation that it’s time to do a takeover, do it like a pro. Get a book or two on public speaking and learn some of the tricks of the trade. Then put some of that drama into your everyday conversation.

12.12.08

How to Avoid Sounding Like a Jerk (technique No 30)

Do you remember that scene from the movie classic Annie Hall where Diane Keaton is first meeting Woody Allen? As she’s chatting with him, we hear her private thoughts. She’s musing to herself, “Oh I hope he’s not a jerk like all the others.”

One of the quickest ways to make a big winner think you are, well, a jerk, is to use a cliche. If you’re chatting with a top communicator and even innocently remark “Yes, I was tired as a dog,” or “She was cute as a button,” you’ve unknowingly laid a linguistic bomb.

Big winners silently moan when they hear someone mouth a trite overworn phrase. Oh sure, just like the rest of us, big winners find themselves feeling fit as a fiddle, happy as a lark, or high as a kite. Like the rest of humanity, they consider some of their acquaintances crazy as a loon, nutty as a fruitcake, or blind as a bat. Because many of them work hard, many of them are as busy as a bee and get rich as Croesus.

Yet would any of them describe themselves in those words? Not in a coon’s age! Why? Because when a big winner hears your cliche, you might as well be saying, “My powers of imagination are impoverished. I can’t think of anything original to say, so I must fall back on these trite overworn phrases.” Mouthing a common cliche around uncommonly successful people brands you as uncommonly common.

Technique #30

Don’t Touch a Cliche with a Ten-Foot Pole

Be on guard. Don’t use any cliches when chatting with big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob.

Instead of coughing up a cliche, roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique.

11.12.08

In Defense of the Quickie

There are times, I discovered, when the quick put-on smile works. For example, when you want to engineer the acquaintance of someone to whom you have not had the opportunity to be introduced. (In the vernacular, that’s “pick them up.”)

The smile’s pickup power was proven for posterity by solemn researchers at the University of Missouri. They conducted a highly controlled study titled “Giving Men the Come-On: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment.”15 (I kid you not.) To prove their hypothesis, female researchers made eye contact with unsuspecting male subjects enjoying a little libation in a local drinking establishment. Sometimes, the female researchers followed their glance with a smile. In other cases, no smile.

The results? I quote the study: “The highest approach behavior, 60 percent, was observed in the condition in which there was smiling.” That translates into layman’s English: “The guy came over 60 percent of the time when the lady smiled.” Without the smile, he “made the approach only 20 percent of the time.” So, yes, a smile works for those who wish to pick somebody up.

However, in situations where the stakes are higher, try The Flooding Smile from the first section and now The Exclusive Smile.

Review Your Repertoire of Smiles (technique No 29)

If your job required you to carry a gun, you would, of course, learn all about the moving parts before firing it. And before taking aim, you would carefully consider whether it would murder, maim, or merely wound your target. Since your smile is one of your biggest communications weapons, learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside five minutes. Lock your bedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn’t think you’ve gone off the deep end. Now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles. Discover the subtle differences in your repertoire.

Just as you would alternate saying “Hello,” “How do you do,” and “I am pleased to meet you” when being introduced to a group of people, vary your smile. Don’t use the same on each. Let each of your smiles reflect the nuances of your sentiment about the recipient.

Technique #29

The Exclusive Smile

If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face.

If one person in a group is more important to you than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for him or her.

How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at Just Anybody”

Have you ever seen those low-budget, mail-order fashion catalogues that use the same model throughout? Whether she is engulfed in a wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini, her face sports the same plastic smile. Looking at her, you get the feeling if you rapped on her forehead, a tiny voice would come back saying “Nobody’s in here.”

Whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have mastered a myriad of different expressions: a flirtatious “I’ve got a secret” smile on one page; a quizzical “I think I’d like to get to know you but I’m not sure” smile on the next; and a mysterious Mona Lisa smile on the third. You feel there’s a brain running the operation somewhere inside that beautiful head.

I once stood in the receiving line of the ship I worked on, along with the captain, his wife, and several other officers. One passenger with a radiant smile started shaking hands down our line. When he got to me, he flashed a shimmering smile, revealing teeth as even and white as keys on a new piano. I was transfixed. It was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dim ballroom. I wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this charming gentleman later.

Then he was introduced to the next person. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his identical glistening grin. A third person, the same grin. My interest began to dwindle.

When he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next person, he started to resemble a Cheshire cat. By the time he was introduced to the fifth person, his consistent smile felt like a strobe light disturbing the ambience of the ballroom. Strobe Man went on flashing everybody the same smile down the line. I had no further interest in talking with him.

Why did this man’s stock shoot high in my ticker one minute and plummet the next? Because his smile, although charming, reflected no special reaction to me. Obviously, he gave the same smile to everybody and, by that, it lost all its specialness. If Strobe Man had given each of us a slightly different smile, he would have appeared sensitive and insightful. (Of course, if his smile had been just a tad bigger for me than for the others, I couldn’t have waited for the formalities to be over to seek him out in the crowded ballroom.)

10.12.08

Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments (technique 28)

Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gentlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer feelings? The woman who says, “I like your suit.” Or the one who says, “You look great in that suit.”

Big players who make business presentations use Comm-YOU-nication to excellent advantage. Suppose you’re giving a talk and a participant asks a question. He likes to hear you say, “That’s a good question.” However, consider how much better he feels when you tell him, “You’ve asked a good question.”

Salespeople, don’t just tell your prospects, “It’s important that . . . . ” Convince them by informing them, “You’ll see the importance of. . . . ”

When negotiating, instead of, “The result will be . . . ” let them know, “You’ll see the result when you. . . .”

Starting sentences with you even works when talking to strangers on the street. Once, driving around San Francisco hopelessly lost, I asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge. I stopped a couple trudging up a hill. “Excuse me,” I called out the window, “I can’t find the Golden Gate Bridge.” The pair looked at each other and shrugged with that “How stupid can these tourists get” look on their faces. “That direction,” the husband mumbled, pointing straight ahead.

Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered. “Excuse me, where’s the Golden Gate Bridge?” Without smiling, they pointed in the opposite direction.

Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came upon the next strolling couple, I called out the window, “Excuse me, could you tell me where the Golden Gate Bridge is?”

“Of course,” they said, answering my question literally. You see, by phrasing the question that way, it was a subtle challenge. I was asking, in essence, “Are you able to give me directions?” This hits them in the pride button. They walked over to my car and gave me explicit instructions.

“Hey,” I thought. “This you stuff really works.” To test my hypothesis, I tried it a few more times. I kept asking passersby my three forms of the question. Sure enough, whenever I asked,
“Could you tell me where . . .” people were more pleasant and helpful than when I started the question with I or where.

Technique #28

Comm-YOU-nication

Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into “me” terms.

When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listenersfind it an irresistible spice.

I’m sure when they recover the flight box from the Fall of Man under a fig leaf in the Garden of Eden, it will convince the world of the power of the word you. Eve did not ask Adam to eat the apple. She did not command him to eat the apple. She didn’t even say, “Adam, I want you to eat this apple.” She phrased it (as all big winners would), “You will love this apple.” That’s why he bit.

Comm-YOU-nication Is a Sign of Sanity

Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I and me twelve times more often than residents of the outside world. As patients’ conditions improve, the number of times they use the personal pronouns also diminishes.

Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use I, the more sane you seem to your listeners. If you eavesdrop on big winners talking with each other, you’ll notice a lot more you than I in their conversation.

The next technique concerns a way big winners are silently you-oriented.

Comm-YOU-nicate When You Want a Favor

Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when you’re asking a favor, because it pushes the asker’s pride button. Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively? “Can I take Friday off, Boss?” Or this one: “Boss, can you do without me Friday?”

In the first case, Boss had to translate your “Can I take Friday off ?” into “Can I do without this employee Friday?” That’s an extra thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)

However, in the second case, “Boss, can you do without me Friday,” you did Boss’s thinking for her. Your new wording made managing without you a matter of pride for Boss. “Of course,” she said to herself. “I can manage without your help Friday.”

How to Be a “You-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection

“SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . ” Two-bit comics have been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal. However, big winners know there’s a three-letter word more potent then SEX to get people’s attention. That word is YOU.

Why is you such a powerful word? Because when we were infants, we thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into, “How does that affect ME?”

Big winners know we haven’t changed a bit. Adults camouflage their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness. Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly translates everything into terms of “How does that affect ME?”

For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague, Jill, if she would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her, “There’s a really good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you join me there for dinner tonight?”

Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, “By ‘good’ does he mean the food or the atmosphere or both?” Her reverie continues, “Indian cuisine, I’m not sure. He says it’s good. However, will I like it?” While thinking, Jill hesitates. You probably take her hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchange diminishes.

Suppose, instead, you had said to her, “Jill, you will really love this new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening for dinner?” Phrasing it that way, you’ve already subliminally answered Jill’s questions and she’s more apt to give you a quick “yes.”

The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful. For many people, thinking is painful.

So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They translate everything into the other person’s terms by starting as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word, you. Thus, I call the technique “Comm-YOU-nication.”

9.12.08

Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You (technique No 27)

I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the moment presented itself at a convention. A new contact began telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park. (Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitor’s perspective.)

I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had a chance to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suburbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip, she said, “You sound like you know a lot about Washington.”

“Yes,” I replied. “It’s my hometown, but I haven’t been back there in ages.”

“Your hometown!” she squealed. “My goodness, why didn’t you tell me? I must have been boring you.”

“Oh, not at all,” I replied honestly. “I was enjoying hearing about your trip so much, I was afraid you’d stop if I told you.” Her big smile and barely audible “Oh gosh” let me know I had won a new friend.

When someone starts telling you about an activity he has done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared interest.

Technique #27

Kill the Quick “Me, Too!”

Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger.

P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky.

How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity)

Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch. Above all, you don’t want to sound anxious to have rapport.

Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, “Hey, me, too! I do that, too” or “I know all about that,” let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go on analyzing the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let her tell you how many tennis games she’s won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking.

Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed travelogue of places I’d skied. I raved about the various resorts. I analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn’t until near the end of my monologue that I finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He replied, “Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen.”

Cool! If he’d jumped in and told me about his ski pad right after I first told him how much I liked skiing, I’d have been impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end of our conversation—and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept an Aspen ski pad—made it unforgettable.

Here’s the technique I call “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ ” Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.

8.12.08

More Unisex Suggestions (technique No 26)

Suppose you’ve been at a party and it was wonderful. Don’t tell the hosts it was wonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superb party, an extraordinary party. Hug the hosts and tell them you had a magnificent time, a remarkable time, a glorious time.

The first few times you say a word like glorious, it may not roll comfortably off your tongue. Yet you have no trouble with the word wonderful. Hmm, glor-i-ous doesn’t have any more syllables than won-der-ful. Neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce. Vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity. Use your new favorite words a few times and, just like breaking in a new pair of shoes, you’ll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new words.

Technique #26

Your Personal Thesaurus

Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements.

Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.

And Now, for Men Only

Gentlemen, we women spend a lot of time in front of the mirror (as if you didn’t know). When I was in college, it used to take me a full fifteen minutes to fix myself up for a date. Every year since, I’ve had to add a few minutes. I’m now up to an hour and a half gussying myself up for an evening out.

Gentlemen, when your wife comes down the staircase all dolled up for a night out, or you pick a lady up for dinner, what do you say? If you make no comment except, “Well, are you ready to go?” how do you think that makes the lady feel?

My friend Gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes me to dinner. I met him about twelve years ago, and I’ll never forget the first time he arrived on my doorstep for our date. He said, “Leil, you look great.” I adored his reaction!

I saw Gary a month or so later. On my doorstep again, “Leil, you look great.” The precise same words as the first time, but I still appreciated it.

It’s been twelve long years now that this gentleman and I have been friends. I see him about once every two months, and every darn time it’s the same old comment, “Leil, you look great.” (I think I’ll show up one evening in a flannel nightshirt and a mud pack on my face. I swear Gary will say, “Leil, you look great.”)

During my seminars, to help men avoid Gary’s mistake, I ask every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great. Then I bring up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment.

“Darla,” one says, “you look elegant.”

“Ooh!” Every woman in the room sighs.

“Darla,” says another, taking her hand, “you look stunning.”

“Ooh!” Every woman in the room swoons.

“Darla,” says the third, putting her hand between his, “you look ravishing.”

“Ooooh!” By now every woman in the room has gone limp.

Pay attention men! Words work on us women.

How to Sound Even Smarter Than You Are

Did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn big for his tongue? By the smile on the speaker’s face and the gleam in his eye as the word limped off his lips, you knew he was really proud of it. (To make matters worse, he probably used the word incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe even mispronounced it. Ouch.)

The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more creative, more intelligent. People with larger vocabularies get hired quicker, promoted faster, and listened to a whole lot more. So big winners use rich, full words, but they never sound inappropriate. The phrases slide gracefully off their tongues to enrich their conversation. The words fit. With the care that they choose their tie or their blouse, big players in life choose words to match their personalities and their points.

The startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words! You don’t need much to sound like a big winner. A mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have an original and creative mind.

Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with impossible British accents. You don’t need to learn two-dollar words that your grandmother, if she heard, would wash out of your mouth with soap.

All you need to do is think of a few tired, overworked words you use every day—words like smart, nice, pretty, or good. Then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf. Look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day. Examine your long list of alternatives.

For example, if you turn to the word smart, you’ll find dozens of synonyms. Some words are colorful and rich like ingenious, resourceful, adroit, shrewd, and many more. Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit your personality? Which ones seem right for you? Try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary. The next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say, you’ll be purring

“Oh, that was so clever of you.”

“My how resourceful.”

“That was ingenious.”

Or maybe, “How astute of you.”

6.12.08

A Nutshell Resume for Your Private Life (technique No 25)

The Nutshell Resume works in nonbusiness situations, too. Since the new acquaintances will always ask you about yourself, prepare a few exciting stock answers. When meeting a potential friend or loved one, make your life sound like you will be a fun person to know.

As a young girl, I wrote novels in my mind about my life. “Leil, squinting her eyes against the torrential downpour, bravely reached out the window into the icy storm to pull the shutters tight and keep the family safe from the approaching hurricane.” Big deal—Mama asked me to close the windows when it started to rain. Still, marching toward the open window, I fancied myself the family’s brave savior.

You don’t need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image, but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated.

Technique #25

The Nutshell Resume

Just as job-seeking top managers roll a different written resume off their printers for each position they’re applying for, let a different true story about your professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Before responding to “What do you do?” ask yourself, “What possible interest could this person have in my answer? Could he refer business to me? Buy from me? Hire me? Marry my sister? Become my buddy?”

Wherever you go, pack a nutshell about your own life to work into your communications bag of tricks.

“Here’s How My Life Can Benefit Yours”

Top salespeople talk extensively of the “benefit statement.” They know, when talking with a potential client, they should open their conversation with a benefit statement. When my colleague Brian makes cold calls, instead of saying “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy. I’m a sales trainer,” he says, “Hello, my name is Brian Tracy from the Institute for Executive Development. Would you be interested in a proven method that can increase your sales from 20 to 30 percent over the next twelve months?” That is his benefit statement. He highlights the specific benefits of what he has to offer to his prospect.

My hairdresser Gloria, I discovered, gives a terrific benefit statement to everyone she meets. That’s probably why she has so many clients. In fact, that’s how she got me as a client. When I met Gloria at a convention, she told me she was a hairdresser who specialized in flexible hairstyles for the businesswoman. She casually mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservative hairstyle for work that they can instantly convert to a feminine style for social situations. “Hey, that’s me,” I said to myself, fingering my stringy little ponytail. I asked for her card and Gloria became my hairdresser.

Then, several months later, I happened to see Gloria at another event. I overheard her chatting with a stylish grey-haired woman at the buffet table. Gloria was saying “. . . and we specialize in a wonderful array of blue rinses.” Now that was news to me! I didn’t remember seeing one grey head in her salon.

As I was leaving the party, Gloria was out on the lawn talking animatedly with the host’s teenage daughters. “Oh yeah,” she was saying, “like we specialize in these really cool up-to-the-minute styles.” Good for you, Gloria!

Like Gloria the hairdresser, give your response a once-over before answering the inevitable “What do you do?” When someone asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If business networking is on your mind, ask yourself, “How could my professional experience benefit this person’s life?” For example, here are some descriptions various people might put on their tax return:

Real estate agent

Financial planner

Martial arts instructor

Cosmetic surgeon

Hairdresser

Any practitioner of the above professions should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some benefit or you wouldn’t get paid to do it.) The advice to the folks above is

Don’t say “real estate agent.” Say “I help people moving into our area find the right home.”

Don’t say “financial planner.” Say “I help people plan their financial future.”

Don’t say “martial arts instructor.” Say “I help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts.”

Don’t say “cosmetic surgeon.” Say “I reconstruct people’s faces after disfiguring accidents.” (Or, if you’re talking with a woman “of a certain age,” as the French so gracefully say, tell her, “I help people to look as young as they feel through cosmetic surgery.”)

Don’t say “hairdresser.” Say “I help a woman find the right hairstyle for her particular face.” (Go, Gloria!)

Putting the benefit statement in your verbal “Nutshell Resume” brings your job to life and makes it memorable. Even if your new acquaintance can’t use your services, the next time he or she meets someone moving into the area, wanting to plan their financial future, thinking of self defense, considering cosmetic surgery, or needing a new hairstyle, who comes to mind? Not the unimaginative people who gave the tax-return description of their jobs, but the big winners who painted a picture of helping people with needs.

How to Know What to Say When They Ask, “What Do You Do?”

Now, 99 percent of the people you meet will, of course, ask “And what do you do?” Big winners, realizing someone will always ask, are fully prepared for the interrogation.

Many folks have one written resume for job seeking. They type it up and then trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all prospective employers. The resume lists their previous positions, dates of employment, and education. Then, at the bottom, they might as well have scribbled, “Well, that’s me. Take it or leave it.” And usually they get left. Why? Because prospective employers do not find enough specific points in the resume that relate directly to what their firm is seeking.

Boys and girls in the big leagues, however, have bits and bytes of their entire work experience tucked away in their computers. When applying for a job, they punch up only the appropriate data and print it out so it looks like it just came from the printer.

My friend Roberto was out of work last year. He applied for two positions:a sales manager of an ice cream company and head of strategic planning for a fast-food chain. He did extensive research and found the ice cream company had deep sales difficulties and the food chain had long-range international aspirations.

Did he send the same resume to each? Absolutely not. His resume never deviated one iota from the truth of his background. However, for the ice cream company, he highlighted his experience turning a small company around by doubling its sales in three years. For the food chain, he underscored his experience working in Europe and his knowledge of foreign markets.

Both firms offered Roberto the job. Now he could play them off against each other. He went to each, explaining he’d like to work for them but another firm was offering a higher salary or more perks. The two firms started bidding against each other for Roberto. He finally chose the food chain at almost double the salary they originally offered him.

To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal resume with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent “What do you do?” prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every time someone asks about your job, give a calculated oral resume in a nutshell. Before you submit your answer, consider what possible interest the asker could have in you and your work.

The Right Way to Find Out

So how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought you’d never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words. All together now: “How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . . of . . . your. . . time?”

“How do you spend most of your time?” is the gracious way to let a cadaver cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off the hook. It’s the way to reinforce an accomplished mother’s choice. It’s the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner beauty. It’s a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on Easy Street, too.

Now, suppose you’ve just made the acquaintance of someone who does like to talk about his or her work? Asking, “How do you spend most of your time?” also opens the door for workaholics to spout off, “Oh golly,” they mock moan, “I just spend all my time working.” That, of course, is your invitation to grill them for details. (Then they’ll talk your ear off.) Yet the new wording of your question gives those who are somewhere between “at leisure” and “work addicted” the choice of telling you about their job or not. Finally, asking “How do you spend most of your time?” instead of “And what do you do?” gives you your big cat stripes right off.

How to Find Out What They Do (Without Even Asking!) (technique No 24)

To size each other up, the first question little cats flat-pawedly ask each other is, “And what do you do? Hmm?” Then they crouch there, quivering their whiskers and twitching their noses, with an obvious “I’m going to pronounce silent judgment on you after you answer” look on their pusses.

Big cats never ask outright, “What do you do?” (Oh they find out, all right, in a much more subtle manner.) By not asking the question, the big boys and big girls come across as more principled, even spiritual. “After all,” their silence says, “a man or woman is far more than his or her job.”

Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity. With so much downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing of corporations these days, the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness. The job question is not just unpleasant for those who are “between engagements.” I have several gainfully employed friends who hate being asked, “And what do you do?” (One of these folks cuts cadavers for autopsies, the other is an IRS collection agent.)

Additionally, millions of talented and accomplished women have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood. When the cruel corporate question is thrust at them, they feel guilty. The rude interrogation belittles their commitment to their families. No matter how the women answer, they fear the asker is only going to hear a humble “I’m just a housewife.”

Big boys and big girls should avoid asking, “What do you do?” for another reason: their abstinence from the question leads listeners to believe that they are in the habit of soaring with a high-flying crowd. Recently I attended a posh party on Easy Street. (I suspect they invited me as their token working-class person.) I noticed no one was asking anyone what they did—because these swells didn’t do anything. Oh, some might have a ticker tape on the bed table of their mansion to track investments. But they definitely did not work for a living.

The final benefit to not asking, “What do you do?” is it throws people off guard. It convinces them you are enjoying their company for who they are, not for an crass networking reason.

Technique #24

What Do You Do—NOT!

A sure sign you’re a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, “What do you do?” (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or someone who’s never strolled along Easy Street.)

How to Talk Like a VIP

Welcome to the human jungle. When two tigers prowling through the jungle chance upon one another in a clearing, they look at each other. They freeze. Instinctively they calculate, “If our staring came to hissing—came to scratching—came to clawing—who would win? Which of us has the stronger survival skills?”

Tigers in the wilderness differ little from the urban upright animals inhabiting the corporate jungle (or singles jungle or social jungle). Humans start the process by looking at each other and talking. In the business world, while smiling and uttering “How do you do?” “Hello,” “Howdy,” or “Hi,” they are, like tigers, instinctively, instantaneously, sizing each other up.

They’re not calculating the length of each other’s claws or the sharpness of their teeth. They’re judging each other on a weapon far more powerful to survival as they have defined it. Humans are judging each other’s communications skills. Although they may not know the names of the specific studies first proving it, they sense the truth: 85 percent of one’s success in life is directly due to communications skills.13

They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau’s recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good communications skills and attitude way over education, experience, and training.14 But they know communications skills get people to the top. Thus, by observing each other carefully during casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident to both which is the bigger cat in the human jungle.

It doesn’t take long for people to recognize who is an “important” person. One cliche, one insensitive remark, one overanxious reaction, and you can be professionally or personally demoted. You can lose a potentially important friendship or business contact. One stupid move and you can tumble off the corporate or social ladder.

The techniques in this section will help ensure that you make all the right moves so this doesn’t happen. The following communications skills give you a leg up to start your ascent to the top of any ladder you choose.

4.12.08

How to Always Have Something Interesting to Say (technique No 23)

You’ve heard folks whine, “I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a thing to wear.” When was the last time you heard, “I can’t go to the party, I haven’t got a thing to say?”

When going to a gathering with great networking possibilities, you naturally plan your outfit and make sure your shoes will match. And, of course, you must have just the right tie or correct color lipstick. You puff your hair, pack your business cards, and you’re off.

Whoa! Wait a minute. Didn’t you forget the most important thing? What about the right conversation to enhance your image? Are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind—or doesn’t—at the moment? You wouldn’t don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the darkened closet, so you shouldn’t leave your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when facing a group of expectant, smiling faces. You will, of course, follow your instincts in conversation. But at least be prepared in case inspiration doesn’t hit.

The best way to ensure you’re conversationally in the swing of things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave. What’s happening right now in the world—all the fires, floods, air disasters, toppled governments, and stock market crashes—pulverizes into great conversational fodder, no matter what crowd you’re circulating in.

It is with some embarrassment that I must attribute the following technique to a businesswoman in the world’s oldest profession. For a magazine article I was writing, I interviewed one of the savviest operators in her field, Sidney Biddle Barrows, the famed Mayflower Madam.

Technique #23

The Latest News . . . Don’t Leave Home Without It

The last move to make before leaving for the party— even after you’ve given yourself final approval in the mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody’s talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public, especially when it’s surrounded by egg-on-face.

Sidney told me she had a house rule when she was in business. All of her female “independent contractors” were directed to keep up with the daily news so they could be good conversationalists with their clients. This was not just Sidney’s whim. Feedback from her employees had revealed that 60 percent of her girls’ work hour was spent in chatting and only 40 percent in satisfying the customers’ needs. Thus she instructed them to read the daily newspaper or listen to a radio broadcast before leaving for an

How to Always Have Something Interesting to Say 91

appointment. Sidney told me when she initiated this rule, her business increased significantly. Reports came back from her clients complimenting her on the fascinating women she had working for her. The consummate businesswoman, Ms. Barrows always strove to exceed her customers’ expectations.

Ready for the big leagues of conversation? Let’s go.

3.12.08

How to Come Across as a Positive Person (technique No 22)

Often people think when they meet someone they like, they should share a secret, reveal an intimacy, or make a confession of sorts to show they are human too. Airing your youthful battle with bed-wetting, teeth grinding, or thumb sucking—or your present struggle with gout or a goiter—supposedly endears you to the masses.

Well, sometimes it does. One study showed that if someone is above you in stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer to you.12 The holes in the bottom of presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson’s shoes charmed a nation, as did George H. W. Bush’s shocking admission that he couldn’t stomach broccoli.

If you’re on sure footing, say a superstar who wants to become friends with a fan, go ahead and tell your devotees about the time you were out of work and penniless. But if you’re not a superstar, better play it safe and keep the skeletons in the closet until later. People don’t know you well enough to put your foible in context.

Later in a relationship, telling your new friend you’ve been thrice married, you got caught shoplifting as a teenager, and you got turned down for a big job may be no big deal. And that may be the extent of what could be construed as black marks on an otherwise flawless life of solid relationships, no misdemeanors, and an impressive professional record. But very early in a relationship, the instinctive reaction is “What else is coming? If he shares that with me so quickly, what else is he hiding? A closetful of ex-spouses, a criminal record, walls papered with rejection letters?” Your new acquaintance has no way of knowing your confession was a generous act, a well-intentioned revelation, on your part.

Technique #22

Ac-cen-tu-ate the Pos-i-tive

When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now’s the time, as the old song says, to “ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive.”

So far, in this section, you have found assertive methods for meeting people and mastering small talk. The next is both an assertive and defensive move to help spare you that pasty smile we tend to sport when we have no idea what people are talking about.

2.12.08

Play It Again, Sam (technique No 21)

“Encore!” is what appreciative audiences chant when they want another song from the singer, another dance from the dancer, another poem from the poet, and in my case, another storytelling from the officers. Encore! is the technique you can use to request a repeat story from a prospect, potential employer, or valued acquaintance. While the two of you are chatting with a group of people, simply turn to him and say, “John, I bet everyone would love to hear about the time you caught that thirty-pound striped bass.” Or, “Susan, tell everyone that story you just told me of how you rescued the kitten from the tree.” He or she will, of course, demure. Insist! Your conversation partner is secretly loving it. The subtext of your request is “That story of yours was so terrific, I want my other friends to hear it.” After all, only crowd pleasers are asked to do an Encore!

Technique #21

Encore!

The sweetest sound a performer can hear welling up out of the applause is “Encore! Encore! Let’s hear it again!” The sweetest sound your conversation partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people is “Tell them about the time you . . .”

Whenever you’re at a meeting or party with someone important to you, think of some stories he or she told you. Choose an appropriate one from their repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight by requesting a repeat performance.

The added benefit of this technique is that, once you’ve got them up and running with their conversation, you can sneak off and find more interesting company!

One word of warning: make sure the story you request is one in which the teller shines. No one wants to retell the time they lost the sale, cracked up the car, or broke up the bar and spent the night in jail. Make sure your requested Encore! is a positive story where they come out the big winner, not the buffoon.

The full beauty of this technique will hit you like a happy thunderbolt the first time you use it with someone who is telling a long and wearisome tale. You simply tiptoe away and let the bore spin the story on and on with your friend. (Of course, your friend may never speak to you again. But that’s not germaine to this chapter!)

The next technique deals with sharing some positive stories of your life.

“Tell ’Em About the Time You . . .”

Cut to the next captain’s cocktail party. Once again I was faced with the familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle and make small talk with the passengers. I made my weekly trek to the laconic officers’ throng to drag one or two away and, this time, my hand fell on the arm of the ship’s doctor. I hauled him over to the nearest group of grinning passengers and introduced him. I then said, “Just last week Dr. Rossi saved the eyesight of a seaman on another ship after a dramatic midnight rescue. Dr. Rossi, I’m sure these folks would love to hear about it.”

It was like a magic wand. To my amazement, it was as though Dr. Rossi was blessed instantly with the tongues of angels. His previously monosyllabic broken English became thickly accented eloquence. He recounted the entire story for the growing group of passengers gathering around him. I left the throng that Dr. Rossi enraptured to pull another officer over to an awaiting audience.

I grabbed the captain’s stripe-covered arm, dragged him over to another pack of smiling passengers and said, “Captain Cafiero, why don’t you tell these folks about the dramatic midnight rescue you made last week?” The cat released Cafiero’s tongue and he was off and running.

Back to the throng to get the first officer for the next group. By now I knew I had a winner. “Signor Salvago, why don’t you tell these folks how you awakened the captain at midnight last week for the dramatic midnight rescue?”

By then it was time to go back to extract the ship’s doctor from the first bevy and take him to his next pack of passengers. It worked even better the second time. He happily commenced his Encore! for the second audience. As he chatted away, I raced back to the captain to pull him away for a second telling with another throng. I felt like the circus juggler who keeps all the plates spinning on sticks. Just as I got one conversation spinning, I had to race back to the first speaker to give him a whirl at another audience.

The captain’s cocktail parties were a breeze for me for the rest of the season. The three officers loved telling the same story of their heroism to new people every cruise. The only problem was I noticed the stories getting longer and more elaborate each time. I had to adjust my timing in getting them to do a repeat performance for the next audience.

How to Get ’Em Happily Chatting (So You Can Slip Away if You Want To!)

Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime, “Daddy, Daddy, tell me the story again of the three little pigs” (or the dancing princesses or how you and Mommy met). Daddy knows Junior enjoyed the story so much the first time, he wants to hear it again and again.

Junior inspires the following technique called “Encore!” which serves two purposes. Encore! makes a colleague feel like a happy dad, and it’s a great way to give dying conversation a heart transplant.

I once worked on a ship that had Italian officers and mostly American passengers. Each week, the deck officers were required to attend the captain’s cocktail party. After the captain’s address in charmingly broken English, the officers invariably clumped together yakking it up in Italian. Needless to say, most of the passengers’ grasp of Italian ended at macaroni, spaghetti, salami, and pizza.

As cruise director, it fell on my shoulders to get the officers to mingle with the passengers. My not-so-subtle tactic was to grab one of the officers’ arms and literally drag him over to a smiling throng of expectant passengers. I would then introduce the officer and pray that either the cat would release his tongue, or a passenger would come up with a more original question than “Gee, if all you officers are here, who is driving the boat?” Never happened. I dreaded the weekly captain’s cocktail party.

One night, sleeping in my cabin, I was awakened by the ship rocking violently from side to side. I listened and the engines were off. A bad sign. I grabbed my robe and raced up to the deck. Through the dense fog, I could barely discern another ship not half a mile from us. Five or six officers were grasping the starboard guardrail and leaning overboard. I rushed over just in time to see a man in the moonlight with a bandage over one eye struggling up our violently rocking ladder. The officers immediately whisked him off to our ship’s hospital. The engines started again and we were on our way.

The next morning I got the full story. A laborer on the other ship, a freighter, had been drilling a hole in an engine cylinder. While he was working, a sharp, needle-thin piece of metal shot like a missile into his right eye. The freighter had no doctor on board so the ship broadcast an emergency signal.

International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal must respond. Our ship came to the rescue and the seaman, clutching his bleeding eye, was lowered into a lifeboat that brought him to our ship. Dr. Rossi, our ship’s doctor, was successfully able to remove the needle from the workman’s eye, thus saving his eyesight.

1.12.08

Parroting Your Way to Profits

Parroting is also a can opener to pry open people’s real feelings. Star salespeople use it to get to their prospect’s emotional objections, which they often don’t even articulate to themselves. A friend of mine, Paul, a used-car salesman, told me he credits a recent sale of a Lamborghini to Parroting.

Paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife, who had expressed interest in a “sensible car.” He was showing them every sensible Chevy and Ford on the lot. As they were looking at one very sensible family car, Paul asked the husband what he thought of it. “Well,” he mused, “I’m not sure this car is right for me.” Instead of moving on to the next sensible car, Paul parroted “Right for you?” Paul’s questioning inflection signaled the prospect that he needed to say more.

“Well, er, yeah,” the prospect mumbled. “I’m not sure it fits
my personality.”

“Fits your personality?” Paul again parroted.

“You know, maybe I need something a little more sporty.”

“A little more sporty?” Paul parroted.

“Well, those cars over there look a little more sporty.”

Aha! Paul’s parrot had ferreted out which cars to show the customer. As they walked over toward a Lamborghini on the lot, Paul saw the prospect’s eyes light up. An hour later, Paul had pocketed a fat commission.

Want to take a rest from talking to save your throat? This next technique gets your conversation partner off and running so all you have to do is listen (or even sneak off unnoticed as he or she chats congenially away).

How to Never Need to Wonder, “What Do I Say Next?” (technique No 20)

Moments arise, of course, when even conversationalists extraordinaire hit the wall. Some folks’ monosyllabic grunts leave slim pickings even for masters of the Be a Word Detective technique.

If you find yourself futilely fanning the embers of a dying conversation (and if you feel for political reasons or human compassion that the conversation should continue), here’s a foolproof trick to get the fire blazing again. I call it “Parroting” after that beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone’s heart simply by repeating other people’s words.

Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the background tuned to a tennis game? You hear the ball going back and forth over the net—klink-klunk, klink-klunk, klink . . . this time you don’t hear the klunk. The ball didn’t hit the court. What happened? You immediately look up at the set.

Likewise in conversation, the conversational ball goes back and forth. First you speak, then your partner speaks, you speak . . . and so it goes, back and forth. Each time, through a series of nods and comforting grunts like “um hum,” or “umm,” you let your conversation partner know the ball has landed in your court. It’s your
“I got it” signal. Such is the rhythm of conversation.

“What Do I Say Next?”

Back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to speak but your mind goes blank. Don’t panic. Instead of signaling verbally or nonverbally that you “got it,” simply repeat—or parrot—the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner’s court.

My friend Phil sometimes picks me up at the airport. Usually I am so exhausted that I rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat, relegating Phil to nothing more than a chauffeur.

After one especially exhausting trip some years ago, I flung my bags in his trunk and flopped onto the front seat. As I was dozing off, he mentioned he’d gone to the theater the night before. Usually I would have just grunted and wafted into unconsciousness. However, on this particular trip, I had learned the Parroting technique and was eager to try it. “Theater?” I parroted quizzically.

“Yes, it was a great show,” he replied, fully expecting it to be the last word on the subject before I fell into my usual sleepy stupor.

“Great show?” I parroted. Pleasantly surprised by my interest, he said, “Yes, it’s a new show by Stephen Sondheim called Sweeney Todd.”

“Sweeney Todd ?” I again parroted. Now Phil was getting fired up. “Yeah, great music and an unbelievably bizarre story. . . .”

“Bizarre story?” I parroted. Well, that’s all Phil needed. For the next half an hour, Phil told me the show’s story about a London barber who went around murdering people. I half dozed, but soon decided his tale of Sweeney Todd’s cutting off peoples’ heads was disturbing my sleepy reverie. So I simply backed up and parroted one of his previous phrases to get him on another track.

“You said it had great music?”

That did the trick. For the rest of the forty-five-minute trip to my home, Phil sang me “Pretty Women,” “The Best Pies in London,” and other songs from Sweeney Todd—much better accompaniment for my demi-nap. I’m sure, to this day, Phil thinks of that trip as one of the best conversations we ever had. And all I did was parrot a few of his phrases.

Technique #20

Parroting

Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.

Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer’s real objections when it’s so easy to shake them out of the trees with Parroting?

Sell Yourself with a Top Sales Technique (technique No 19)

Several months ago at a speaker’s convention, I was talking with a colleague Brian Tracy. Brian does a brilliant job of training top salespeople. He tells his students of a giant spotlight that, when shining on their product, is not as interesting to the prospect. When they shine the spotlight on the prospect, they make the sale.

Salespeople, this technique is especially crucial for you. Keep your “Swiveling Spotlight” aimed away from you, only lightly on your product, and most brightly on your buyer. You’ll do a much better job of selling yourself and your product.

Technique #19

The Swiveling Spotlight

When you meet someone, imagine a giant revolving spotlight between you. When you’re talking, the spotlight is on you. When the new person is speaking, it’s shining on him or her. If you shine it brightly enough, the stranger will be blinded to the fact that you have hardly said a word about yourself. The longer you keep it shining away from you, the more interesting he or she finds you.

How to Enthrall ’Em with Your Choice of Topic—Them

Several years ago, a girlfriend and I attended a party saturated with a hodgepodge of swellegant folks. Everyone we talked to seemed to lead a nifty life. Discussing the party afterward, I asked my friend, “Diane, of all the exciting people at the party, who did you enjoy talking to most?”

Without hesitation she said, “Oh by far, Dan Smith.”

“What does Dan do?” I asked her.

“Uh, well, I’m not sure,” she answered.

“Where does he live?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” Diane responded.

“Well, what is he interested in?”

“Well, we really didn’t talk about his interests.”

“Diane,” I asked, “what did you talk about?”

“Well, I guess we talked mostly about me.”

“Aha,” I thought. Diane has just rubbed noses with a winner.

As it turns out, I had the pleasure of meeting Big-Winner Dan several months later. Diane’s ignorance about his life piqued my curiosity so I grilled him for details. As it turns out, Dan lives in Paris, has a beach home in the south of France, and a mountain home in the Alps. He travels around the world producing sound and light shows for pyramids and ancient ruins—and he is an avid hang glider and scuba diver. Does this man have an interesting life or what? Yet Dan, when meeting Diane, said nothing about himself.

I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how little she learned about his life. Dan simply replied, “Well, when I meet someone, I learn so much more if I ask about their life. I always try to turn the spotlight on the other person.” Truly confident people often do this. They know they grow more by listening than talking. Obviously, they also captivate the talker.

28.11.08

How to Resuscitate a Dying Conversation (technique No 18)

Even a well-intentioned husband who might ask his wife while making love, “Is it good for you, too, Honey?” knows not to ask a colleague, “Is the conversation good for you, too?” Yet he wonders . . . we all do. With the following technique, set your mind at rest. You can definitely make the conversation hot for anyone with whom you speak. Like my prom date, Donnie, you will miraculously find subjects to engross your listeners.

Be a Sleuth on Their Slips of the Tongue

No matter how elusive the clue, Sherlock Holmes is confident he’ll soon be staring right at it through his magnifying glass. Like the unerring detective, big winners know, no matter how elusive the clue, they’ll find the right topic. How? They become word detectives.

I have a young friend, Nancy, who works in a nursing home. Nancy cares deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about how crotchety and laconic some of her patients are. She laments she has difficulty relating to them. Nancy told me about one especially cantankerous old woman named Mrs. Otis, whom she could never get to open up to her.

“One day,” Nancy confided, “right after all those rainstorms we had last week, just to make conversation, I remarked to Mrs. Otis, ‘Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?’ Well,” Nancy continued, “Mrs. Otis practically jumped down my throat. She said in a snippy voice, ‘It’s been good for the plants.’ ” I asked Nancy how she responded to that.

“What could I say?” Nancy answered. “The woman was obviously cutting me off.”

“Did you ever think to ask Mrs. Otis if she liked plants?”

“Plants?” Nancy asked.

“Well, yes,” I suggested. “Mrs. Otis brought the subject up.” I asked Nancy to do me a favor. “Ask her,” I begged. Nancy resisted, but I persisted. Just to quiet me down, Nancy promised to ask “cantankerous old Mrs. Otis” if she liked plants.

The next day, a flabbergasted Nancy called me from work. “Leil, how did you know? Not only did Mrs. Otis love plants, but she told me she’d been married to a gardener. Today I had a different problem with Mrs. Otis. I couldn’t shut her up! She went on and on about her garden, her husband. . . .”

Top communicators know ideas don’t come out of nowhere. If Mrs. Otis thought to bring up plants, then she must have some relationship with them. Furthermore, by mentioning the word, it meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants.

Suppose, for example, instead of responding to Nancy’s comment about the rain with “It’s good for the plants,” Mrs. Otis had said, “Because of the rain, my dog couldn’t go out.” Nancy could then ask about her dog. Or suppose she grumbled, “It’s bad for my arthritis.” Can you guess what old Mrs. Otis wants to talk about now?

When talking with anyone, keep your ears open and, like a good detective, listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual references: any anomaly, deviation, digression, or invocation of another place, time, person. Ask about it because it’s the clue to what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing.

If two people have something in common, when the shared interest comes up, they jump on it naturally. For example, if someone mentions playing squash (bird-watching or stamp collecting) and the listener shares that passion, he or she pipes up, “Oh, you’re a squasher (or birder or philatelist), too!”

Here’s the trick: there’s no need to be a squasher, birder, or philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm. You can simply “Be a Word Detective.” When you pick up on the reference as though it excites you, too, it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to. (The subject may put your feet to sleep, but that’s another story.)

Technique #18

Be a Word Detective

Like a good gumshoe, listen to your conversation partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue. Like Sherlock Holmes, you have the clue to the subject that’s hot for the other person.

Now that you’ve ignited stimulating conversation, let’s explore a technique to keep it hot.

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