Twenty-Six Miles on My Mattress (technique No 9)

Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! My friend Richard runs marathons. Once, several years ago, a scant three weeks before the big New York marathon, an out-of-control car crashed into Richard’s and he was taken to the hospital. He was not badly injured. Nevertheless, his friends felt sorry for him because being laid up two weeks in bed would, naturally, knock him out of the big event.

What a surprise when, on that crisp November marathon morning in Central Park, Richard showed up in his little shorts and big running shoes.

“Richard, are you crazy? You’re in no shape to run. You’ve been in bed these past few weeks!” we all cried out.

“My body may have been in bed,” he replied, “but I’ve been running.”

“What?” we asked in unison.

“Yep. Every day. Twenty-six miles, 385 yards, right there on my mattress.” Richard explained that in his imagination he saw himself traversing every step of the course. He saw the sights, heard the sounds, and felt the twitching movements in his muscles. He visualized himself racing in the marathon.

Richard didn’t do as well as he had the year before, but the miracle is he finished the marathon, without injury, without excessive fatigue thanks to his visualization. It works in just about any endeavor you apply it to—including being a terrific communicator.

Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid images. Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meeting. See it all in your mind’s ey ahead of time.

You now have the skills necessary to get you started on the right foot with any new person in your life.

Technique #9

Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene

Rehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SEE yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. HEAR yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. FEEL the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. VISUALIZE yourself a Super Somebody. Then it all happens automatically.

Think of yourself in these first moments like a rocket taking off. When the folks at Cape Kennedy aim a spacecraft for the moon, a mistake in the millionth of a degree at the beginning, when the craft is still on the ground, means missing the moon by thousands of miles. Likewise, a tiny body-language blooper at the outset of a relationship may mean you will never make a hit with that person. But with The Flooding Smile, Sticky Eyes, Epoxy Eyes, Hang by Your Teeth, The Big-Baby Pivot, Hello Old Friend, Limit the Fidget, Hans’s Horse Sense, and Watch the Scene Before You Make the Scene, you’ll be right on course to get whatever you eventually want from anybody—be it business, friendship, or love.

We now move from the silent world to the spoken word.

How to Make Sure You Don’t Miss a Single Beat

You’ve seen professional skiing on television? The athlete at the top of the piste, every muscle primed and poised, waiting for the gun to propel him to ultimate victory. Look deeply into his eyes and you’ll see he is having an out-of-body experience. In his mind’s eye, the skier is swooshing down the slope, zapping back and forth between the poles, and sliding across the finish line in faster time than the world thought possible. The athlete is visualizing.

All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers, swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic before performing it. They see their own bodies bending, twisting, flipping, or flying through the air. They hear the sound of the wind, the splash in the water, the whirr of the javelin, the thud of its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust. Before they move a muscle, professional athletes watch the whole movie, which, of course, ends in their own victory.

Sports psychologists tell us visualization is not just for top-level competitive athletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their tennis, their running, whatever their favorite activity. Experts agree if you see the pictures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.

If a Horse Can Do It, So Can You (technique No 8)

Have you ever been watching TV when the phone rings? Someone asks you to hit the mute button on the television so they can talk. Because there’s no sound now, you watch the TV action more carefully. You see performers smiling, scowling, smirking, squinting, and scores of other expressions. You don’t miss a bit of the story because, just from their expressions, you can tell what they’re thinking. Hans’s Horse Sense is just that—watching people, seeing how they’re reacting, and then making your moves accordingly. Even while you’re talking, keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they’re responding to what you’re saying. Don’t miss a trick.

Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what they’re hearing.

Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched? Maybe they don’t.

Are they rubbing their necks? Are they stepping back? Are their feet pointing toward the door? Maybe they want to get away.

You don’t need a complete course in body language here. Already your life’s experience has given you a good grounding in that. Most people know if their conversation partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in what you’re saying. When they think you’re a pain in the neck they rub theirs. When they feel superior to you, they steeple their hands.


Technique #8

Hans’s Horse Sense

Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking.Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then planyour moves accordingly.

If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on everything. You never miss a trick. You’ve got horse sense.

You now have eight techniques to help you come across as a confident, credible, and charismatic person who makes everyone he or she comes in contact with feel like a million. Let’s explore one last technique in this section to put it all together and make sure you don’t miss a beat.

How to Read People Like You Have ESP

Hans, a very clever horse, inspires this next technique. Hans was owned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simple arithmetic by tapping his right front hoof. So prodigious was Hans’s ability that the horse’s fame quickly spread throughout Europe in the early 1900s. He became known as Clever Hans, the counting horse.

Herr von Osten taught Hans to do more than just add. Soon the horse could subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplication tables. The horse became quite a phenomenon. Without his owner uttering a single word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the number wearing glasses, or respond to any counting question they asked him.

Finally, Hans achieved the ultimate ability that separates man from animal—language. Hans “learned” the alphabet. By tapping out hoof beats for each letter, he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper or heard on the radio. He could even answer common questions about history, geography, and human biology.

Hans made headlines and was the main topic of discussion at dinner parties throughout Europe. The “human horse” quickly attracted the attention of scientists, psychology professors, veterinarians, even cavalry officers. Naturally they were skeptical, so they established an official commission to decide whether the horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever their suspicions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Compared to other horses, Hans was a Somebody.

Cut to today. Why is it when you talk with certain individuals you just know they are smarter than other people—that they are a Somebody? Often they’re not discussing highfalutin subjects or using two-dollar words. Nevertheless, everybody knows. People say, “She’s smart as a whip,” “He doesn’t miss a trick,” “She picks up on everything,” “He’s got the right stuff,” “She’s got horse sense.” Which brings us back to Hans.

The day of the big test arrived. Everyone was convinced it must be a trick orchestrated by Herr von Osten, Hans’s owner. It was standing room only in the auditorium filled with scientists, reporters, clairvoyants, psychics, and horse lovers who eagerly awaited the answer. The canny commission members were confident this was the day they would expose Hans as chicanery because they, too, had a trick up their sleeves. They were going to bar von Osten from the hall and put his horse to the test all alone.

When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in an auditorium with a suspicious and anxious audience.

The confident commission leader asked Hans the first mathematical question. He tapped out the right answer! A second. He got it right! Then a third. Then the language questions followed. He got them all right!

The commission was befuddled. The critics were silenced.

However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new commission. The world waited while, once again, the authorities gathered scientists, professors, veterinarians, cavalry officers, and reporters from around the world.

Only after this second commission put Hans to the test did the truth about the clever horse come out. Commission number two started the enquiry perfunctorily with a simple addition problem. This time, however, instead of asking the question out loud for all to hear, one researcher whispered a number in Hans’s ear, and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expected Hans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha! The researchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what that was?

Here’s a hint: when the audience or researcher knew the answer, Hans did, too. Now can you guess?

People gave off very subtle body-language signals the moment Hans’s hoof gave the right number of taps. When Hans started tapping the answer to a question, the audience would show subtle signs of tension. Then, when Hans reached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slight relaxation of muscles. Von Osten had trained Hans to stop tapping at that point and therefore appear to give the right answer.

Hans was using the technique I call “Hans’s Horse Sense.” He watched his audiences’ reactions very carefully and planned his responses accordingly.

Beware of the Appearance of Lying—Even When You’re Telling the Truth (technique No7)

Problems arise for us when we are not lying but are feeling emotional or intimidated by the person with whom we are talking. A young man telling an attractive woman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talking about her company’s track record to an important client could rub her neck.

More problems arise out of the atmosphere. A businessman who doesn’t feel nervous at all could loosen his collar because the room is hot. A politician giving a speech outdoors could blink excessively because the air is dusty. Even though erroneous, these fidgety movements give the listeners the sense something just isn’t right or a gut feeling that the speaker is lying.

Professional communicators, alert to this hazard, consciously squelch any signs anyone could mistake for shiftiness. They fix a constant gaze on the listener. They never put their hands on their faces. They don’t massage their arm when it tingles or rub their nose when it itches. They don’t loosen their collar when it’s hot or blink because it’s sandy. They don’t wipe away tiny perspiration beads in public or shield their eyes from the sun. They suffer because they know fidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the infamous September 25, 1960, televised presidential debate between Richard Milhous Nixon and John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of makeup, his fidgeting, and mopping his brow on camera lost him the election.

If you want to come across as an entirely credible Somebody, try to squelch all extraneous movement when your communication counts. I call the technique “Limit the Fidget.”

Technique #7

Limit the Fidget

Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.

Now let’s tackle intelligence. “What?” you ask. “Can people come across as more intelligent than they really are?” Well, did you ever hear of Hans, the counting horse? Hans was considered the most intelligent horse in history, and he used the technique I’m about to suggest.

How to Come Across as 100 Percent Credible to Everyone

My friend Helen is a highly respected headhunter. She makes terrific hires for her clients and I once asked her the secret of her success. Helen replied, “Probably because I can almost always tell when an applicant is lying.”

“How can you tell?”

She said, “Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm. Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably resting in her lap and she was looking directly at me.

“I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she told me. I asked if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at me, she said, ‘yes.’ Then I asked her why she left her previous job.

“At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining eye contact with me.” Helen continued. “Then, while answering my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg
over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.”

Helen said, “That’s all I needed. With her words she was telling me she felt her ‘growth opportunities were limited at her previous firm.’ But her body told me she was not being entirely forthright.”

Helen went on to explain the young woman’s fidgeting alone wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said, that she wanted to pursue the subject further.

“So I tested it.” Helen explained. “I changed the subject and went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals for the future. Again, the girl stopped fidgeting. She folded her hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with more than one project.

“Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again if it was only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her previous position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.”

Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the truth. The applicant had been fired because of a nasty disagreement with the marketing director for whom she worked.

Human resources professionals who interview applicants and police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies. They know specifically what signals to look for. The rest of us, although not knowledgeable about specific clues to deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth.

Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an inhouse booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me, “I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.”

“You think he’s lying to you?” I asked.

“Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just something that didn’t seem right.”

Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about someone but they can’t put their finger on it. Because of that, many large companies turn to the polygraph, or lie detector, a mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying.

Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for preemployment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. Interestingly, the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system— changes in breathing patterns, sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood pressure, and other signs of emotional arousal.

So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and bodily changes do take place. When that happens, the individual might fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the polygraph.

Not a Word Need Be Spoken. A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Not a Word Need Be Spoken

The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. Whenever you’re traveling in countries where you don’t speak the native tongue, be sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imagine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine
except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still responds with congeniality and acceptance.

I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while traveling in Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest American they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!

A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately, “Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors Making the Beliefs Come True” proved it.10 Researchers told volunteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them.
When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have many new “old friends” who wind up genuinely liking you.

You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intelligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques accomplishes one of those goals.

How to Trick Your Body into Doing Everything Right (technique No 6)

Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees that everyone you encounter will feel your warmth. I call it “Hello Old Friend.”

When meeting someone, play a mental trick on yourself. In your mind’s eye, see him or her as an old friend, someone you had a wonderful relationship with years ago. But somehow you lost track of your friend. You tried so hard to find your good buddy, but there was no listing in the phone book. No information online. None of your mutual friends had a clue.

Suddenly, WOW! What a surprise! After all those years, the two of you are reunited. You are so happy.

That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to convince the new person that the two of you are really old friends. You are not going to hug and kiss and say, “Great to see you again!” or “How have you been all these years?” You merely say, “Hello,” “How do you do,” “I am pleased to meet you.” But, inside, it’s a very different story.

You will amaze yourself. The delight of rediscovery fills your face and buoys up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’d beam on the other person. If you were a dog, you’d be wagging your tail. You make this new person feel very special indeed.

Technique #6

Hello Old Friend

When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend!

The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your body from the subconscious softening of your eyebrows to the positioning of your toes—and everything between.

In my seminars, I first have people introduce themselves to another participant before they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats as though at a pleasant semiformal gathering. Later I ask them to introduce themselves to another stranger, imagining they are old friends. The difference is extraordinary. When they’re using Hello Old Friend, the room comes alive. The atmosphere is charged with good feeling. The air sparkles with happier, high-energy people. They are standing closer, laughing more sincerely, and reaching out to one another. I feel like I’m attending a terrific bash that’s been going on for hours.

How to Make Someone Feel Like an Old Friend at Once

A very wise man with the funny name of Zig9 once told me, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care . . . about them.” Zig Ziglar is right. The secret to making people like you is showing how much you like them!

Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone within eyeshot precisely how you feel at any given moment. Even if your Hang by Your Teeth posture is gaining their respect, your Flooding Smile and The Big-Baby Pivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing their hearts and minds, the rest of your body can reveal any incongruence. Every inch—from the crinkle of your forehead to the position of your feet—must give a command performance if you want to effectively present an “I care about you” attitude.

Unfortunately, when meeting someone, our brains are in overdrive. Remember Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar? He said of Cassius, he “has a lean and hungry look . . . he thinks too much . . . such men are dangerous.” So it is with our brains when conversing with a new acquaintance. Our brains become lean. (Some of us are fighting off shyness. Others are frantically sizing up the situation.) And hungry. (We’re deciding what, if anything, we want from this potential relationship.) So we think too much instead of responding with candid, unself-conscious friendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, or commerce.

When our bodies are shooting off ten thousand bullets of stimuli every second, a few shots are apt to misfire and reveal shyness or hidden hostility. We need a technique to ensure every shot aims right at the heart of our subject. We need to trick our bodies into reacting perfectly.

To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about any shyness or negativity slipping out through our body language. It’s when we feel none. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we see someone we love or feel completely comfortable with, we respond warmly from head to toe without a thought. Our lips part happily. We step closer. Our arms reach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and our bodies turn fully toward our dear friend.

Treat People Like Big Babies (technique No 5)

Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive, recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of work and out of a relationship.

At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her shoulder. But then she’d turn back to our mundane conversation

as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, “Why doesn’t he come speak to us?”

Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, because of Carla’s minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle, I had to say, “Carla, do you know who that was? He’s the head of the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They’re looking for copywriters willing to relocate. And he’s single!” Carla moaned.

Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla’s left knee. “Hello!” We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old Willie, the hostess’s adorable young son, was tugging on Carla’s skirt, obviously craving attention.

“Well, well, well,” Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down, touched little Willie’s elbow, and crooned, “Well, hello there, Willie. How are you enjoying Mommy’s nice party?”

Little Willie beamed.

When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none of them was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue. Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my teeth, I said, “Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled at you.”

“Yes,” Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the
room lest anyone overhear us.

“And you’ve been giving them little half smiles,” I continued.

“Yes,” she murmured, now confused at my question.

“Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up conversation?”

“Yee-es,” she answered haltingly.

“Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out and touch his arm like you did Willie’s, and then welcome him into our conversation.”

“Oh Leil, I couldn’t do that.”

“Carla, do it!” Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward him, and said, “Hello, come join us.” He wasted no time accepting Carla’s invitation.

After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my departure because they were in animated conversation. The last glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the door on the arm of her new friend.

Just then the technique I call “The Big-Baby Pivot” was born. It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate jungle.

Technique #5

The Big-Baby Pivot

Give everyone you meet The Big-Baby Pivot. The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin. Pivoting 100 percent toward the new person shouts “I think you are very, very special.”


Remember, buried deep inside everyone is a big baby who is rattling the crib, wailing out for recognition of how very special he or she is.

The following technique reinforces the big baby’s suspicion that he or she is, indeed, the center of the universe.

You’re on Trial—and You Only Have Ten Seconds

Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case, everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, “Well, how do you like me so far?”

The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to their unspoken question, “How do you like me so far?” must be, “Wow! I really like you.”

When a little four year old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind Mommy’s skirt. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he opens his arms for a hug. A loving child’s body is like a tiny flower bud unfolding to the sunshine.

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little difference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a rainstorm.

How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant”

Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first words out of his mouth are, “Well, how do you like me so far?” The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously or subconsciously, how they’re reacting to us.

Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are? We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins!

Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each other out. We don’t have tails that wag or hair that bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up “I submit” position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions that take place in the first few moments of togetherness.

Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this. They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you’re leaning while answering their questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making a slight fist, knuckles out, signaling rejection? They scrutinize your face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note of your every fidget.

An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, “Is something bothering you, Honey?” (These supersensitive women accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they wouldn’t notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched in her tears.)

The attorney and the assistant then review your “score” on the dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your thumbs back in the juror’s waiting room.

Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the 1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defense attorney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge Julius Hoffman’s posture. During the summation by the prosecution, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler, sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.

Your Posture Is Your Biggest Success Barometer (techique No 4)

Imagine you are a world-renowned acrobat, master of the iron-jaw act waiting in the wings of the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Soon you will dart into the center ring to captivate the crowd with the precision and balance of your body.

Before walking through any door—the door to your office, a party, a meeting, even your kitchen—picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that first pulls your cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up. As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment—head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weightless. At the zenith of the tent, you spin like a graceful top to the amazement and admiration of the crowd craning their necks to watch you. Now you look like a Somebody.

One day, to test Hang by Your Teeth, I decided to count how many times I walked through a doorway: sixty times, even at home. You calculate: twice out your front door, twice in, six times to the bathroom, eight times to the kitchen, and through countless doors at your office. It adds up. Visualize anything sixty times a day and it becomes a habit! Habitual good posture is the first mark of a big winner.

You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the most important Somebody in the room).

You now have all the basics Bob the artist needs to portray you as a big winner. Like he said, “great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.” The ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.


Technique #4

Hang by Your Teeth

Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you hang by your teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position.

Now let’s put the whole act into motion. It’s time to turn your attention outward to your conversation partner. Use the next two techniques to make him or her feel like a million.

How to Look Like a Big Winner Wherever You Go

Do you remember the lyrics to the old Shirley Bassey song? “The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction—a real big spender. Good looking, so refined. Say wouldn’t you like to know what’s going on in my mind?”

The goal of this first section is not to make you look like a real big spender. Rather it is to give you the cachet of a real big Somebody the moment people lay eyes on you. To that end, we now explore the most important technique to make you look like a very important person.

When the doctor smacks your knee with that nasty little hammer, your foot jerks forward. Thus the phrase knee-jerk reaction. Your body has another instinctive reaction. When a big jolt of happiness hits your heart and you feel like a winner, your head jerks up automatically and you throw your shoulders back. A smile frames your lips and softens your eyes.

This is the look winners have constantly. They stand with assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it—good posture symbolizes that you are a man or woman who is used to being on top.

Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’ shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, “Stand up straight!” hasn’t done the trick. We are a nation of slouchers. We need a technique more stern than teachers and more persuasive than parents to make us stand like a Somebody.

In one profession, perfect posture, perfect equilibrium, perfect balance is not only desirable—it’s a matter of life and death. One false move, one slump of the shoulders, one hangdog look, can mean curtains for the high-wire acrobat.

I’ll never forget the first time Mama took me to the circus. When seven men and women raced into the center ring, the crowd rose as though they were all joined at the hips. They cheered with one thunderous voice. Mama pressed her lips against my ear and reverently whispered these were the Great Wallendas, the only troupe in the world to perform the seven-person pyramid without a net.

In an instant, the crowd became hushed. Not a cough or a soda slurp was heard in the big top as Karl and Herman Wallenda shouted cues in German to their trusting relatives. The family meticulously and majestically ascended into the position of a human pyramid. They then balanced precariously on a thin wire hundreds of feet above the hard dirt with no net between them and sudden death. The vision was unforgettable.

To me, equally unforgettable was the beauty and grace of the seven Wallendas racing into the center of the big top to take their bows. Each perfectly aligned—head high, shoulders back—standing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feet were touching the ground. Every muscle in their bodies defined pride, success, and their joy of being alive. (Still!) Here is a visualization technique to get your body looking like a winner who is in the habit of feeling that pride, success, and joy of being alive.

Use Epoxy Eyes to Push Their Erotic Button

If romance is on the horizon, Epoxy Eyes transmits yet another message. It says, “I can’t take my eyes off you” or “I only have eyes for you.” Anthropologists have dubbed eyes “the initial organ of romance” because studies show intense eye contact plays havoc with our heartbeat.8 It also releases a druglike substance into our
nervous system called phenylethylamine. Since this is the hormone detected in the human body during erotic excitement, intense eye contact can be a turn-on.

Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women—if they find you attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze as budding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, your Epoxy Eyes is downright obnoxious. (Never use Epoxy Eyes on strangers in public settings or you could get arrested!)

How to Use Your Eyes to Make Someone Fall in Love with You (technique No 3)

Now we haul in the heavy eyeball artillery: very sticky eyes or superglue eyes. Let’s call them “Epoxy Eyes.” Big bosses use Epoxy Eyes to evaluate employees. Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected criminals. And clever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (If romance is your goal, Epoxy Eyes is a proven aphrodisiac.)

The Epoxy Eyes technique takes at least three people to pull off—you, your target, and one other person. Here’s how it works. Usually, when you’re chatting with two or more people, you gaze at the person who is speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener—your target—rather than the speaker. This slightly disorients the target and he or she silently asks, “Why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker?” Your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reactions. This can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is appropriate that you judge the listener.

Human resources professionals often use Epoxy Eyes, not as a technique, but because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employee’s reaction to certain ideas being presented. Attorneys, bosses, police investigators, psychologists, and others who must examine subjects’ reactions also use Epoxy Eyes for analytical purposes.

When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful. Don’t overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen.

Technique #3

Epoxy Eyes

This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman you want to impact.

Sometimes using full Epoxy Eyes is too potent, so here is a gentler, yet effective, form. Watch the speaker but let your glance bounce to your target each time the speaker finishes a point. This way Mr. or Ms. Target still feels you are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from the intensity.

What About Guys’ Eyes?

Now gentlemen: when talking to men, you, too, can use Sticky Eyes. Just make them a little less sticky when discussing personal matters with other men, lest your listener feel threatened or misinterpret your intentions. But do increase your eye contact slightly more than normal with men on day-to-day communications— and a lot more when talking to women. It broadcasts a visceral message of comprehension and respect.

I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an arrogant chap. He doesn’t mean to, but sometimes his brusque manner makes it look like he’s running roughshod over people’s feelings.

Once while we were having dinner together in a restaurant, I told him about the Sticky Eyes technique. I guess he took it to heart. When the waiter came over, Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his order with his nose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for the appetizer, and kept his eyes on the waiter’s for an extra second before looking down again at the menu to choose the main dish. I can’t tell you how different Sammy seemed to me just then! He came across as a sensitive and caring man, and all it took was two extra seconds of eye contact. I saw the effect it had on the waiter, too. We received exceptionally gracious service the rest of the evening.

A week later Sammy called me and said, “Leil, Sticky Eyes has changed my life. I’ve been following it to a T. With women, I make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky. And now everybody’s treating me with such deference. I think it’s part of the reason I’ve made more sales this week than all last month!”

If you deal with customers or clients in your professional life, Sticky Eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line. To most people in our culture, profound eye contact signals trust, knowledge, an “I’m here for you” attitude. Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medicine that has the power to kill or cure, the next eye-contact technique has the potential to captivate or annihilate.

Make Your Eyes Look Even More Intelligent (technique No 2)

There is yet another argument for intense eye contact. In addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker. Because abstract thinkers integrate incoming data more easily than concrete thinkers, they can continue looking into someone’s eyes even during the silences. Their thought processes are not distracted by peering into their partner’s peepers.6

Back to our valiant psychologists. Yale researchers, thinking they had the unswerving truth about eye contact, conducted another study that, they assumed, would confirm “the more eye contact, the more positive feelings.” This time, they directed subjects to deliver a personally revealing monologue. They asked the listeners to react with a sliding scale of eye contact while their partners talked.

The results? All went as expected when women told their personal stories to women. Increased eye contact encouraged feelings of intimacy. But, whoops, it wasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long by another man. Other men felt threatened. Some few even suspected their partner was more interested than he should be and wanted to slug him.

Your partner’s emotional reaction to your profound gaze has a biological base. When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelike substance gushing through their veins.7 This is the same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love. And when you consciously increase your eye contact, even during normal business or social interaction, people will feel they have captivated you.

Men talking to women and women talking to men or women: use the following technique, which I call “Sticky Eyes,” for the joy of the recipient—and for your own advantage. (Guys, I’ll have a man-to-man modification of this technique for you in a moment.)

Technique #2

Sticky Eyes

Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner’s with sticky warm taffy. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks.