How to Avoid Sounding Like a Jerk (technique No 30)

Do you remember that scene from the movie classic Annie Hall where Diane Keaton is first meeting Woody Allen? As she’s chatting with him, we hear her private thoughts. She’s musing to herself, “Oh I hope he’s not a jerk like all the others.”

One of the quickest ways to make a big winner think you are, well, a jerk, is to use a cliche. If you’re chatting with a top communicator and even innocently remark “Yes, I was tired as a dog,” or “She was cute as a button,” you’ve unknowingly laid a linguistic bomb.

Big winners silently moan when they hear someone mouth a trite overworn phrase. Oh sure, just like the rest of us, big winners find themselves feeling fit as a fiddle, happy as a lark, or high as a kite. Like the rest of humanity, they consider some of their acquaintances crazy as a loon, nutty as a fruitcake, or blind as a bat. Because many of them work hard, many of them are as busy as a bee and get rich as Croesus.

Yet would any of them describe themselves in those words? Not in a coon’s age! Why? Because when a big winner hears your cliche, you might as well be saying, “My powers of imagination are impoverished. I can’t think of anything original to say, so I must fall back on these trite overworn phrases.” Mouthing a common cliche around uncommonly successful people brands you as uncommonly common.

Technique #30

Don’t Touch a Cliche with a Ten-Foot Pole

Be on guard. Don’t use any cliches when chatting with big winners. Don’t even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob.

Instead of coughing up a cliche, roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique.

In Defense of the Quickie

There are times, I discovered, when the quick put-on smile works. For example, when you want to engineer the acquaintance of someone to whom you have not had the opportunity to be introduced. (In the vernacular, that’s “pick them up.”)

The smile’s pickup power was proven for posterity by solemn researchers at the University of Missouri. They conducted a highly controlled study titled “Giving Men the Come-On: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a Bar Environment.”15 (I kid you not.) To prove their hypothesis, female researchers made eye contact with unsuspecting male subjects enjoying a little libation in a local drinking establishment. Sometimes, the female researchers followed their glance with a smile. In other cases, no smile.

The results? I quote the study: “The highest approach behavior, 60 percent, was observed in the condition in which there was smiling.” That translates into layman’s English: “The guy came over 60 percent of the time when the lady smiled.” Without the smile, he “made the approach only 20 percent of the time.” So, yes, a smile works for those who wish to pick somebody up.

However, in situations where the stakes are higher, try The Flooding Smile from the first section and now The Exclusive Smile.

Review Your Repertoire of Smiles (technique No 29)

If your job required you to carry a gun, you would, of course, learn all about the moving parts before firing it. And before taking aim, you would carefully consider whether it would murder, maim, or merely wound your target. Since your smile is one of your biggest communications weapons, learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside five minutes. Lock your bedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn’t think you’ve gone off the deep end. Now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles. Discover the subtle differences in your repertoire.

Just as you would alternate saying “Hello,” “How do you do,” and “I am pleased to meet you” when being introduced to a group of people, vary your smile. Don’t use the same on each. Let each of your smiles reflect the nuances of your sentiment about the recipient.

Technique #29

The Exclusive Smile

If you flash everybody the same smile, like a Confederate dollar, it loses value. When meeting groups of people, grace each with a distinct smile. Let your smiles grow out of the beauty big players find in each new face.

If one person in a group is more important to you than the others, reserve an especially big, flooding smile just for him or her.

How to Make Them Feel You “Don’t Smile at Just Anybody”

Have you ever seen those low-budget, mail-order fashion catalogues that use the same model throughout? Whether she is engulfed in a wedding gown or partially clad in a bikini, her face sports the same plastic smile. Looking at her, you get the feeling if you rapped on her forehead, a tiny voice would come back saying “Nobody’s in here.”

Whereas models in more sophisticated magazines have mastered a myriad of different expressions: a flirtatious “I’ve got a secret” smile on one page; a quizzical “I think I’d like to get to know you but I’m not sure” smile on the next; and a mysterious Mona Lisa smile on the third. You feel there’s a brain running the operation somewhere inside that beautiful head.

I once stood in the receiving line of the ship I worked on, along with the captain, his wife, and several other officers. One passenger with a radiant smile started shaking hands down our line. When he got to me, he flashed a shimmering smile, revealing teeth as even and white as keys on a new piano. I was transfixed. It was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dim ballroom. I wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this charming gentleman later.

Then he was introduced to the next person. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his identical glistening grin. A third person, the same grin. My interest began to dwindle.

When he gave his fourth indistinguishable smile to the next person, he started to resemble a Cheshire cat. By the time he was introduced to the fifth person, his consistent smile felt like a strobe light disturbing the ambience of the ballroom. Strobe Man went on flashing everybody the same smile down the line. I had no further interest in talking with him.

Why did this man’s stock shoot high in my ticker one minute and plummet the next? Because his smile, although charming, reflected no special reaction to me. Obviously, he gave the same smile to everybody and, by that, it lost all its specialness. If Strobe Man had given each of us a slightly different smile, he would have appeared sensitive and insightful. (Of course, if his smile had been just a tad bigger for me than for the others, I couldn’t have waited for the formalities to be over to seek him out in the crowded ballroom.)

Comm-YOU-nicate Your Compliments (technique 28)

Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gentlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer feelings? The woman who says, “I like your suit.” Or the one who says, “You look great in that suit.”

Big players who make business presentations use Comm-YOU-nication to excellent advantage. Suppose you’re giving a talk and a participant asks a question. He likes to hear you say, “That’s a good question.” However, consider how much better he feels when you tell him, “You’ve asked a good question.”

Salespeople, don’t just tell your prospects, “It’s important that . . . . ” Convince them by informing them, “You’ll see the importance of. . . . ”

When negotiating, instead of, “The result will be . . . ” let them know, “You’ll see the result when you. . . .”

Starting sentences with you even works when talking to strangers on the street. Once, driving around San Francisco hopelessly lost, I asked people walking along the sidewalk how to get to the Golden Gate Bridge. I stopped a couple trudging up a hill. “Excuse me,” I called out the window, “I can’t find the Golden Gate Bridge.” The pair looked at each other and shrugged with that “How stupid can these tourists get” look on their faces. “That direction,” the husband mumbled, pointing straight ahead.

Still lost, I called out to the next couple I encountered. “Excuse me, where’s the Golden Gate Bridge?” Without smiling, they pointed in the opposite direction.


Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came upon the next strolling couple, I called out the window, “Excuse me, could you tell me where the Golden Gate Bridge is?”

“Of course,” they said, answering my question literally. You see, by phrasing the question that way, it was a subtle challenge. I was asking, in essence, “Are you able to give me directions?” This hits them in the pride button. They walked over to my car and gave me explicit instructions.

“Hey,” I thought. “This you stuff really works.” To test my hypothesis, I tried it a few more times. I kept asking passersby my three forms of the question. Sure enough, whenever I asked,
“Could you tell me where . . .” people were more pleasant and helpful than when I started the question with I or where.

Technique #28

Comm-YOU-nication

Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener’s attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into “me” terms.

When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listenersfind it an irresistible spice.


I’m sure when they recover the flight box from the Fall of Man under a fig leaf in the Garden of Eden, it will convince the world of the power of the word you. Eve did not ask Adam to eat the apple. She did not command him to eat the apple. She didn’t even say, “Adam, I want you to eat this apple.” She phrased it (as all big winners would), “You will love this apple.” That’s why he bit.

Comm-YOU-nication Is a Sign of Sanity

Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I and me twelve times more often than residents of the outside world. As patients’ conditions improve, the number of times they use the personal pronouns also diminishes.

Continuing up the sanity scale, the fewer times you use I, the more sane you seem to your listeners. If you eavesdrop on big winners talking with each other, you’ll notice a lot more you than I in their conversation.

The next technique concerns a way big winners are silently you-oriented.

Comm-YOU-nicate When You Want a Favor

Putting you first gets a much better response, especially when you’re asking a favor, because it pushes the asker’s pride button. Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively? “Can I take Friday off, Boss?” Or this one: “Boss, can you do without me Friday?”

In the first case, Boss had to translate your “Can I take Friday off ?” into “Can I do without this employee Friday?” That’s an extra thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!)

However, in the second case, “Boss, can you do without me Friday,” you did Boss’s thinking for her. Your new wording made managing without you a matter of pride for Boss. “Of course,” she said to herself. “I can manage without your help Friday.”

How to Be a “You-Firstie” to Gain Their Respect and Affection

“SEX! Now that I have your attention. . . . ” Two-bit comics have been using that gag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal. However, big winners know there’s a three-letter word more potent then SEX to get people’s attention. That word is YOU.

Why is you such a powerful word? Because when we were infants, we thought we were the center of the universe. Nothing mattered but ME, MYSELF, and I. The rest of the shadowy forms stirring about us (which we later learned were other people) existed solely for what they could do for us. Self-centered little tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word, into, “How does that affect ME?”

Big winners know we haven’t changed a bit. Adults camouflage their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness. Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly translates everything into terms of “How does that affect ME?”

For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague, Jill, if she would like to join you for dinner. So you say to her, “There’s a really good new Indian restaurant in town. Will you join me there for dinner tonight?”


Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, “By ‘good’ does he mean the food or the atmosphere or both?” Her reverie continues, “Indian cuisine, I’m not sure. He says it’s good. However, will I like it?” While thinking, Jill hesitates. You probably take her hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchange diminishes.

Suppose, instead, you had said to her, “Jill, you will really love this new Indian restaurant. Will you join me there this evening for dinner?” Phrasing it that way, you’ve already subliminally answered Jill’s questions and she’s more apt to give you a quick “yes.”

The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful. For many people, thinking is painful.

So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They translate everything into the other person’s terms by starting as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word, you. Thus, I call the technique “Comm-YOU-nication.”

Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You (technique No 27)

I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the moment presented itself at a convention. A new contact began telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park. (Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitor’s perspective.)

I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had a chance to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suburbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip, she said, “You sound like you know a lot about Washington.”

“Yes,” I replied. “It’s my hometown, but I haven’t been back there in ages.”

“Your hometown!” she squealed. “My goodness, why didn’t you tell me? I must have been boring you.”

“Oh, not at all,” I replied honestly. “I was enjoying hearing about your trip so much, I was afraid you’d stop if I told you.” Her big smile and barely audible “Oh gosh” let me know I had won a new friend.

When someone starts telling you about an activity he has done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared interest.

Technique #27

Kill the Quick “Me, Too!”

Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger.

P.S.: Don’t wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you’re being tricky.

How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity)

Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch. Above all, you don’t want to sound anxious to have rapport.

Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, “Hey, me, too! I do that, too” or “I know all about that,” let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go on analyzing the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let her tell you how many tennis games she’s won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking.

Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed travelogue of places I’d skied. I raved about the various resorts. I analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn’t until near the end of my monologue that I finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He replied, “Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen.”

Cool! If he’d jumped in and told me about his ski pad right after I first told him how much I liked skiing, I’d have been impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end of our conversation—and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept an Aspen ski pad—made it unforgettable.

Here’s the technique I call “Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ ” Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.

More Unisex Suggestions (technique No 26)

Suppose you’ve been at a party and it was wonderful. Don’t tell the hosts it was wonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superb party, an extraordinary party. Hug the hosts and tell them you had a magnificent time, a remarkable time, a glorious time.

The first few times you say a word like glorious, it may not roll comfortably off your tongue. Yet you have no trouble with the word wonderful. Hmm, glor-i-ous doesn’t have any more syllables than won-der-ful. Neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce. Vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity. Use your new favorite words a few times and, just like breaking in a new pair of shoes, you’ll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new words.

Technique #26

Your Personal Thesaurus

Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements.

Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you’ll be in the verbally elite.

And Now, for Men Only

Gentlemen, we women spend a lot of time in front of the mirror (as if you didn’t know). When I was in college, it used to take me a full fifteen minutes to fix myself up for a date. Every year since, I’ve had to add a few minutes. I’m now up to an hour and a half gussying myself up for an evening out.

Gentlemen, when your wife comes down the staircase all dolled up for a night out, or you pick a lady up for dinner, what do you say? If you make no comment except, “Well, are you ready to go?” how do you think that makes the lady feel?

My friend Gary is a nice gentleman and he occasionally takes me to dinner. I met him about twelve years ago, and I’ll never forget the first time he arrived on my doorstep for our date. He said, “Leil, you look great.” I adored his reaction!

I saw Gary a month or so later. On my doorstep again, “Leil, you look great.” The precise same words as the first time, but I still appreciated it.

It’s been twelve long years now that this gentleman and I have been friends. I see him about once every two months, and every darn time it’s the same old comment, “Leil, you look great.” (I think I’ll show up one evening in a flannel nightshirt and a mud pack on my face. I swear Gary will say, “Leil, you look great.”)

During my seminars, to help men avoid Gary’s mistake, I ask every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great. Then I bring up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment.

“Darla,” one says, “you look elegant.”

“Ooh!” Every woman in the room sighs.

“Darla,” says another, taking her hand, “you look stunning.”

“Ooh!” Every woman in the room swoons.

“Darla,” says the third, putting her hand between his, “you look ravishing.”

“Ooooh!” By now every woman in the room has gone limp.

Pay attention men! Words work on us women.

How to Sound Even Smarter Than You Are

Did you ever hear someone try to say a word that was just too darn big for his tongue? By the smile on the speaker’s face and the gleam in his eye as the word limped off his lips, you knew he was really proud of it. (To make matters worse, he probably used the word incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe even mispronounced it. Ouch.)

The world perceives people with rich vocabularies to be more creative, more intelligent. People with larger vocabularies get hired quicker, promoted faster, and listened to a whole lot more. So big winners use rich, full words, but they never sound inappropriate. The phrases slide gracefully off their tongues to enrich their conversation. The words fit. With the care that they choose their tie or their blouse, big players in life choose words to match their personalities and their points.

The startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words! You don’t need much to sound like a big winner. A mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone the impression that you have an original and creative mind.

Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over vocabulary books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with impossible British accents. You don’t need to learn two-dollar words that your grandmother, if she heard, would wash out of your mouth with soap.

All you need to do is think of a few tired, overworked words you use every day—words like smart, nice, pretty, or good. Then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf. Look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day. Examine your long list of alternatives.

For example, if you turn to the word smart, you’ll find dozens of synonyms. Some words are colorful and rich like ingenious, resourceful, adroit, shrewd, and many more. Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit your personality? Which ones seem right for you? Try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary. The next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say, you’ll be purring

“Oh, that was so clever of you.”

“My how resourceful.”

“That was ingenious.”

Or maybe, “How astute of you.”